tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 2, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks for coming. i like you already. [ cheers and applause ] hey, here's something i was thinking about. you know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? well, anyway, donald trump won super tuesday. [ laughter ] 13 states, thousands of cnn graphics later, the votes have been counted, and the big winners were donald trump and hillary clinton. google reported saying that the search phrase "how can i move to
that's not a joke. [ cheers and applause ] by the way, the answer is, you can't. he's going to build a wall up there too. he's going to keep the mexicans out and the rest of us in. that's the plan. do you think in canada anyone ever threatening to move to america? i people like they don't. [ laughter ] trump and clinton, each won seven. bernie sanders won three states. ted cruz won two. his home state of texas and oklahoma. i think people in texas might be voting for ted cruz so he'll move to washington. cruz spoke to his voters last night. while for most people it would be hard to deliver a victory speech on the night you lost eight out of 11 states, but he made some excellent points. >> this much is certain. january 20, 2017, will be
office. [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, that much is certain. but what else? >> and on that day, we will have a new president of the united states. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so that's how it works. he's being replaced. it's all so interesting, the political process. weirdly the candidate who garnered a lot of the attention on super tuesday was one who's not even running anymore, new jersey governor chris christie. he flew all the way to florida to stand behind donald trump supporting him. and this is what people were commenting on. watch this. so throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. he looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottom pasta bowl at olive garden. he looks as though someone just
cancer. [ cheers and applause ] what is that? what did donald trump do to him? he's standing there like theon from "game of thrones." dr. ben carson didn't win any states last night, but don't tell him. he slept through the whole thing. he released a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. was he at the last one? if he does skip the debate, how will we know? even though he admitted he doesn't have a chance to win, he hasn't dropped out. he is still technically running for president, even though he said he has no chance to be -- the guy can't even figure out how to not run for president. ben carson, this is something i have noticed, his typical speaking pose is the same pose they give to a dead person. [ laughter ] as they lay them out.
so ben carson is -- he's got his foot out the door, just like that, it's down to three. or four, if you count john kasich. anyway, after -- you know, the astronaut, scott kelly, returned home last night. he was in space for 340 days. nasa provided footage of the landing. it really is amazing that human beings are able to do that. >> scott kelly back on mother earth after 340 days in space. >> we're going to make american great again, folks. we're going to make it great again. >> and scott kelly has decided to go back to space. we have liftoff. [ cheers and applause ] >> he won't be home for five years. we have a couple of fun guests on the show tonight. martha plimpton, who is very funny, and morgan freeman, who is phenomenal. he is here. the golden voice. he's the man who somehow is able to make penguins seem exciting.
on sunday and presented the award for best picture. afterwards, at the end of the ceremony, watch closely here. >> this has been an amazing experience. congratulate all of our oscar winners. buy some girl scout cookies. >> there he is. give me some of those. and then he is like, goodbye. i am out of here. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he snatched a whole and beat it. i have to ask him about that. i know he was on "the electric company." i did not know he was the cookie monster too. this is a teachable moment. this is from a local fox affiliate in memphis, where viewers were treated to a story about a man who was arrested as a result of a variety of colorful incidents. >> friday night, michael bennett was found by police lying near the street. police say his pants were down and shirt pulled over his head.
whiskey partially consumed, inserted in bennett's rectum. they also found a crack pipe laying next to him. now bennett told police he does crazy things when he gets drunk. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? like what? things. let's hear some of them. while we're on the subject of improper behavior, the nypd announced yesterday, the new york police department, said they'll no longer arrest people for drinking in public or urinating in public. see, we don't need donald trump to make american great again. it's already happening on its own. i guess the goal is to reduce unnecessary jailtime for low level offenders. and also to make riding the subway more of an adventure. but it's crazy. the street in new york. this is great news for kathie lee and hoda. it really is. and one more donald trump -- i
but it seems to be all that anybody talks about every place i go, at all times. last night was a great night for donald, for his wife malaria, for his family, for all of the trumps. you know, after all that's happened over the past several months, people are finally coming to terms with the fact that he's probably going to be the republican nominee. and maybe even president of the united states. which would have been hard to believe this time last year. it's still hard to believe. but it's true. and so with that in mind, we took the liberty of compiling -- you know, he makes a lot of noises when he's speaking. he is a very unusual sounds coming out of his body. we set them to music. and the result is this donald trump-y version of "hail to the chief." bing, bing, bing bong bong cling ba, ba, ba bye boom, boom
ca-ching ching a-rrrr >> we have to take a break. when we come back, my cousin sal and his hidden camera is at the customer service counter at costco. we'll be right back. out on the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. red lobster's lobsterfest is back. so come try the largest variety
of the world's best worst customer service you can find anywhere. here now is cousin sal at costco, causing trouble in bulk. >> hi, ma'am. what do you have for us? welcome to costco. oh, advil. okay. there we go. and what was the problem with these? >> i just got wrong one. >> wrong wong. how long were you waiting in line? >> not long. >> can you give me a ballpark? one to five minutes? six to seven? >> six to seven. >> six to seven minutes. and how many times do you shop at costco a month? >> four, five. every wednesday. >> every wednesday? all right. and how would you rate your customer satisfaction? >> very good. >> very good. and how many out of 10? >> a nine. >> nine. and how do you rate this interaction with me? >> good.
we'll put that down for a nine. and my attentiveness. what would you say? >> oh, your attentiveness? >> yeah. hold on. my phone is ringing. hey, baby. what's happening? just giving another one of these dumb surveys, you know. yeah, it's nothing. what are you up to? oh, yeah, i watch that show. i watch that show. yeah. what episode are you on? oh, that's the thing. everyone always spoils it for you. did you get to the part with the girl and the guy, and the guy and the girl? that was the best. what time are you off today? yeah, if i ever get out of here. yeah, i'm just chilling. chilling at the returns. not too busy. not too bad.
>> oh, okay. >> yeah. let's go by the beach. so many beaches. malibu, manhattan. mi moesa. what are some other beaches? >> i don't know. but i need to go shopping. >> there's definitely more. i have a little bit of a headache, but -- all of these customers, but it's going good. it's going good. how's the car running? that's probably the timing belt. yeah. or the air filter. yeah. you should have that checked. >> you're not going to put all of those in your -- >> mmm. >> what is this guy doing? >> it's going good. yeah, stop by. oh, happy hour. what time does that start?
mmm. i like those potato skins. man, i'm feeling really dizzy right now. i'm working on this lady's returning advil. i only had a little. >> she's helped four people. >> i'm on the phone, ma'am. please. >> there's something wrong with this man. >> what? >> can you open this? i need to -- >> are you crazy? okay. that's it. all right. do you want a hit? >> no. >> okay. i've got to call you back. this woman is getting test we me. i don't know why. all right. bye. >> you don't know why? >> all right. let me finish this survey. so the last time you were here,
that dude. >> okay. >> go sit down somewhere. >> let's go one to negative seven. how would you rate my professionalism? >> zero. >> good. >> how's this going over here? >> this is not going. >> it's going really good. she's returning vodka and -- >> no, i'm not. >> and advil. and she opened -- some of these were opened, but we can return it, right? >> yeah, we can return it. >> he just took four handfuls of this and a swig of this vodka. >> oh, come on. >> it looks like you have all tens here. good job. >> she's giving me nines. >> yeah. that was before he hit the ground. >> okay. his professionalism says 10 here, though. you gave him a 10? >> not from me, no. a one. >> don't be a narc, lady. don't be a narc. >> i'm not going to deal with this man, okay? just get him away from me. >> listen, if you don't want to deal with me, could you deal
[ bleep ] [ applause ] >> no. >> thank you, cousin sal. there's cousin sal there. all right. martha plimpton is here. we'll be right back with morgan freeman. so stick around. [ applause ] portions of ""jimmy kimmel chevrolet. find new roads. audi. supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. oh wow. i mean with all this technology.
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anything wrong. >> i didn't really. >> jimmy: you know, the price of stamps just went down from 49 to 47 cents. do you still mail things? are you a letter writer? >> no. no, no. >> so you do not have interaction with your mail person? >> uh-uh. >> jimmy: you don't go out and get the mail yourself? >> i do not. i have people that work for me. they do all that kind of stuff. >> jimmy: wow, that's when you know you're a big shot. you don't have to go to the mailbox. >> jimmy, i'm a movie star. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's no arguing with that. you're working on a project that sounds very interesting to me. it's for nat geo. tell us a little bit about this. >> it is the story -- we call it the god project. it's the story of god, religion. >> jimmy: is this auto biographical?
you shouldn't do that. [ laughter ] >> but we go all over the world to the religious hot spots. that is, where we know that religions got their beginnings, their starts, you know, different religions. so we went to egypt and to india and to turkey and to -- rome, all of these places, and talked it means. >> oh, yes. i learned quite a lot. yeah. different religions -- all creation story. all religions have a place for to you go after you die. something you can do. hindus, for instance, not really all that happy with the idea of reincarnation. i thought it was like an end in
reincarnation is -- if you're hindu, you have to keep coming back and trying to get it right. and you have to keep on until you do get it right. >> jimmy: when you do get it right, where do you go? >> you transcend. you become pure energy just like the other guy. >> jimmy: so theoretically, everybody left on this planet screwed up? >> if you're hindu. if you have a hindu belief. >> jimmy: if the hindus have it right. >> yes. >> jimmy: where did you learn to speak so beautifully? is it something that you worked on? or just from your family? >> i don't even know what you mean. >> jimmy: well, i tell you, i loved "the electric company" when i was a kid. and on that show, you were easy reader. and the way you spoke was -- it just sounded like -- it just sounded great.
from -- i mean, the way i speak, is like that of a clown. so this is what i got from my family. whereas i assume your family -- you must have a -- i don't know. >> i went to school to be a -- to study how to be an actor. and in that school, los angeles city college, i had a voice and diction instructor who was very good at his job. and so you had to learn to speak and sound your final consonants, things like that. >> jimmy: so you actually learned something in college. i learned how to drink beer out of a funnel. [ laughter ] >> well, i -- i was old. >> jimmy: how old were you in college? >> 22.
you started college when you were 22 years old. >> yeah. but i only went for about 20 minutes, so -- >> jimmy: that was an intense 20 minutes. whatever you learned in that 20 minutes, worked out well. when we come back, we'll see a clip from your new movie. and i have something fun for to you do, if you would be so kind. we're going to go out on the street and have you narrate a person walking by on hollywood boulevard. morgan freeman is here. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hi. hi... i love your pants. thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! do you even know what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys! i'm gonna get
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we can also assume all communication are compromised. anything not secured could be compromised, sir. >> banning would know that too. how could he reach out? >> there, freeze that. sir, is banning left-handed? >> no, he's right-handed. >> okay. well, the president doesn't move without a drone or satellite over his head. banning knows that. >> it's his left hand. southpaw six. >> shorthand for mi 6. >> look for any mi 6 location in that area. >> yes, sir. >> all right.
in "london has fallen" in theaters on friday. you play the vice president of the united states. >> i've been demoted a bit. >> jimmy: yeah, you've been demoted from president -- actually from god to president to vice president. >> go figure. >> jimmy: things are not going well. i think this will be a fun thing for us to do. we have a camera on hollywood boulevard right now. there's always people walking by. we thought it would be fun if you would narrate, doing as you do so famously, someone passing us, okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: so let's see what we have, and i'll be quiet. okay. here we go. >> there it was, the man in the red checkered shirt, holding his selfie stick. trying to get that perfect selfie. he called him. [ laughter ] stick.
could this be the one? the light's just right. maybe over by this wall? no. not perfect enough for perfect selfie paul. oh, did he look at the camera? [ applause ] >> goodbye, paul. oh, hello, paul. there he is. but look who it is. another selfie stick guy. selfie stick sam. that's what we call him. just two grown-ass men taking pictures of themselves on a [ bleep ] stick. [ cheers and applause ] >> morgan freeman, everybody. "london has fallen" opens friday. we'll be right back with martha plimpton. that'
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kelly. our next guest is a hope." she returns to tv on "the real please say hello to martha plimpton. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's been far too long since i last saw you. >> i agree, jimmy. >> jimmy: did you see morgan freeman? >> i did, on his way out. >> jimmy: did you speak to him? >> i did indeed. >> jimmy: do you know him? >> well, i do now. but i knew him in a different sort of way. i mean, we all did, of course. >> jimmy: right. >> no, i used to ride the 104 bus with him when i went to school every morning. >> jimmy: really? when was this? >> i would say '48, '49. that was an age joke. no, when i was little, i rode
>> jimmy: did you know him from "the electric company"? >> i knew him as the easy reader. >> jimmy: i was telling him during commercial break, to me, that's when i thought i was starting to grow up when i shifted from "sesame street" to "the electric company." >> yes, that was a milestone in our media consumption. >> >> jimmy: yeah, you looked back on "sesame street" with scorn, like, ew, that's for babies. you have a very distinctive voice. have you done voiceover work? >> have i on occasion. i just does this minecraft story mode game thing. >> jimmy: the little boys are crazy for that, right? >> and for a little while, i was the voice of like a pet food company for a little while. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. but then the market crashed. and they fired me because they didn't want to pay me anymore. >> jimmy: and people started feeding their pets garbage when the market crashed. anymore. >> i have done some books on tape. things like that.
to a book on tape. >> you should if you're driving. it's a lot of fun. >> jimmy: i like to read when i drive. but i listen to the radio when i drive. but what i wonder about it, and everybody else -- everyone other than me knows the answer to this question. but do you do the character voices of the people? is it like a play in that way? or do you just read it? >> well, ideally, one would try to make the sounds of the people that they're speaking for. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm a -- you know, there was one time when i was doing one of these books on tape, and it was kind of a big one. and i might not have gone through it as thoroughly as i should have. and i showed up to -- this is embarrassing. but i showed up to record it. and we started. and all of a sudden, found out that there was going to be a really, really important russian character in it. >> jimmy: in the book? >> yeah. so i had to do a russian accent for like 400 pages.
>> and i didn't -- >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it went well. you'd be surprised what you can do if you just commit, jimmy. it went really well. [ applause ] >> jimmy: plus you never really have to get any feedback, do you? >> i want people to know i'm perfectly willing to read the book more thoroughly from now on. i'm a very professional-ish actress. >> jimmy: i see. you actually will read the book before reading the book this time. >> that is my hope. that is what i strive to do. >> jimmy: i think it's all of our hope, really. >> that's right. >> jimmy: how old were you when you started acting? >> 8 years old. >> jimmy: did you ever have regular jobs, like regular people? >> well, i mean, in a manner of speaking. not really. you know, you go through dry spells. you know this as an actor. there's going to be -- you know, it's feast or famine, as they say, james. >> jimmy: so i've heard. >> can i call you james? >> jimmy: yes, you may. >> thank you.
"the real o'al" which is very funny i premiered tonight on abc. i was onehe esos. es, yowere. >> jmy: i didn't see yhe we ped. >> i know unftunate beeavche apparely. grs ee >> jimmy: but the show is very, very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i recommend you watching it. it's called "the real o'neals." tuesday nights at 8:30 here on abc. [ applause ] >>immy: martha plimpton, everybody. thank you, martha. we'll be right back with charles kelly. the jimmy kimmel concert
"nightline" is next, but first, his album is called "the driver" here with the song "lonely girl" charles kelley. ahh ahh what's the matter now you're crying he wasn't everything you dreamed of i gotta tell you he really wasn't ever good enough for you lonely girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record on in your room
ooh yeah don't you worry i'm never gonna let you down when you need me i'm always gonna be around close your eyes i'll take your body anywhere it wants to go lonely girl you're the only girl for me can't you see when you're all alone in your room oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl lonely girl lonely girl
girl yeah, you're my lonely girl it's just you and me and the sound of your heartbeat's rhythm just you and me and the sound of your heartbeat's rhythm lonely girl you're the only girl for me can't you see when you're all alone put this record on in your room oh and you won't be lonely you won't be lonely girl oh yeah i feel your heartbeat's rhythm ooh
[ cheers and applause ] pour out your heart in three-twenty the one you didn't write for the money you turn it in nobody's listening but you got a cut so the check's coming if it ain't a single it don't mean nothing but every girl with a dream wants to be your friend one day you're the king you're not it's handshakes and throwing up in parking lots all by yourself
i ain't never leaving nashville you're getting calls from old friends they say heard your song wanna write again you're coming up with brand new ways to say no months without a hold every other day you're getting canceled now you're calling up old friends that's just the way it goes one day you're the king the next you're not handshakes and whiskey shots boy and throwing up in parking lots all gone to hell hell i ain't never leaving nashville
leaving nashville oh and your friends are friends with country stars yeah they're buying homes this is "nightline." >> tonight, women uniting in a campaign in the fight for abortion rights. ism i was wise enough to know like i'm not ready to be a mom. >> emotional pleas, hoping to sway the highest court in the biggest challenge to reproductive rights in two decades. >> this is what the pro-life movement looks like. >> tonight, we're on the front line with impassioned supporters on both sides, trying to make the critical difference. plus, "modern family" star aerial winter grew up in the spotlight. >> but that's okay >> now she is opening up about her breast reduction surgery. >> i was in pain. i couldn't sit up straight. >> and how life at home was anything but a hollywood fairy tale, and her newfound confidence.